Lost a parent young? Here’s how it can show up in adulthood.

Does losing a parent young change you?

It can. Losing a parent as a kid or a teenager can shape how you lean on people, how you handle milestones, and what you expect from the people around you. That isn’t the same as something being wrong with you. It means the loss became part of how you grew up, so it makes sense that it still shows up.

If you were a teenager when it happened, the loss got folded into the years when you were working out who you are. If you’re supporting a teenager through it now, The Other Side of This is the book I wish someone had given me then.

Where it tends to show up years later.

It doesn’t always look like grief. Sometimes it looks like the way you handle a relationship, a birthday, or a hard week at work.

Relationships and leaning on people

Losing a parent young can change how much you let yourself need other people.

I didn’t lean on people at all. I relied on myself, with a “grow up quick” attitude.

Growing up fast

After my dad died, I used to tell myself that I had to grow up quickly. Looking back, I am not sure that I truly had to. But I believed I did.

I finished high school, attended college, entered the workforce, and felt as if I needed to be an adult by eighteen. I took on the world because I did not believe I had a mom or dad I could lean on.

That did not mean I always knew how to be an adult. There were times when I did not have car insurance or did not pay traffic tickets because I did not understand what I needed to do.

I had decided that I was on my own before I knew what being on my own required.

Birthdays, holidays and milestones

These are the days when the absence is easiest to see. My birthday often feels like another day. Weeks before my most recent birthday, my wife asked what I wanted to do. I did not have an answer.

When I think about birthdays as a kid, I remember the last birthday my dad was alive. I turned fourteen. I got a Razor electric scooter and a PlayStation 2 that I had wanted forever. That was probably the last birthday I remember genuinely enjoying.

I still want Christmas, birthdays, and other special days to feel joyful for my daughters. But creating those memories for my children does not mean I stop missing my own. If it hits harder now than it did back then, here’s why grief can hit years later.

Becoming a parent and the questions you can’t ask

One of our daughters is getting older. Sometimes she has a breakdown or tantrum, and my wife and I look at each other because neither of us knows exactly what to do. In those moments, I sometimes wish I could call one of my parents and ask, “What did you do when I was this age?”

The point is that I cannot ask.

The point is not that my parents would have given me the perfect answer. The point is that I cannot ask. Losing a parent young can mean losing the adult relationship you might have had with them.

There’s an Unparented episode about this: “Who remembers your childhood when your parents are gone?”

Work and responsibility

Early loss can also show up in how much responsibility you take on, and how hard it is to put any of it down.

For me, it didn’t show up at work, because I didn’t talk about it. I went to school, jumped into work early, and did what I had to on my own.

When the relationship was complicated.

My parents were divorced, and my relationship with my mother was complicated. After they separated, she did not come around much. I still do not know the full story.

I didn’t have a relationship with her until I was about 19. We saw each other for maybe a year or two, and then we went our own ways again.

The call from my sister

I was 26 when my sister called to tell me our mother had died. I said, “Okay.” Then I hung up.

I did not attend the funeral. I regret that now. I buried what I felt.

Grieving someone you didn’t have a relationship with

You can grieve someone you didn’t have a relationship with. You can miss a parent while being honest about what happened between you. We do not have to forgive every choice our parents made before we are allowed to miss them. If your loss came in your 20s, I wrote about that too: losing a parent in your 20s.

We do not have to forgive every choice our parents made before we are allowed to miss them.

Who finished raising you.

After my dad died, my paternal grandparents finished raising me.

When a parent dies young, you can lose more than the person. You can lose the home you knew, the roles everyone played in the family, and the idea of who would show up for you. That’s the loss beneath the loss, and it deserves words too.

That’s the loss beneath the loss, and it deserves words too.

What my grandparents did

My grandparents did a lot for me at 14 and 15. They made sure I finished school. They taught me to drive.

They disciplined me, which was huge. They could have just continued on with their lives. I could have ended up in the system, on drugs, or as a school dropout.

From “I don’t know what I’m feeling” to “here’s what this is.”

For a long time I didn’t have words for any of this. Finding words doesn’t make a loss smaller. It can make it something you carry forward instead of something you keep burying.

What I help with now

That’s what I help with now. It isn’t a method or a set of steps. It’s finding the words for what you’re carrying, with someone who has been there.

Not a therapist, not an expert. Just someone who’s lived this twice.

Book a free 45-minute Grief Map Session

Faith, if you want it

My work is faith-informed. Bring your own faith if you want it in the room. It’s never required.

My faith

My Christian faith is part of how I live with this loss. There were times when I sat in my car and talked to my dad: “Dad, I miss you. I wish you were here.” My faith does not make me stop missing him. It gives me somewhere to bring the longing.

Your faith may look different from mine, or faith may not be part of your life. You are welcome here either way.