Losing a parent in your 20s doesn’t fit the usual grief advice.

Is losing a parent at 25 young?

Yes. Losing a parent at 25, or anywhere in your 20s, is early. Most of your friends probably haven’t been through it, and a lot of grief advice is written for people who lose a parent much later in life.

Why it feels different in your 20s.

Your friends haven’t been here yet.

They may want to help and still not know how. And comfort from someone who lost a parent much later in life doesn’t always land, even when it’s kind.

You’re building a life with one less person to call.

Jobs, moves, relationships, money questions. Your 20s are full of firsts, and many of them come with a moment when you would have called your parent.

When you didn’t have a relationship with them.

I didn’t have a relationship with my mom. When she died, I buried what I felt. You can grieve a parent you weren’t close to.

You can grieve the relationship you never got, and the chance to have one. It’s allowed to be complicated.

It’s allowed to be complicated.

When it’s your second parent.

My dad died when I was 14, and my mom died when I was 26. Losing your second parent is its own kind of loss, because there’s no parent left to call.

Losing your second parent is its own kind of loss, because there’s no parent left to call.

What “unparented” means to me

To me, “unparented” means being without a parent, or without the care a parent is expected to provide. Even at 14, it meant being without the care my dad was providing, and then realizing the care I wouldn’t receive in the future.

How to deal with it, without rushing it.

These aren’t steps. They’re ways of noticing and naming what you’re carrying.

• Say out loud what you lost. The person, the relationship you didn’t get, and the help you can’t ask for now.
• Find one person who’s been there. Someone who lost a parent young may understand what your friends can’t yet.
• Plan for the first hard dates. Their birthday, the anniversary, the holidays. Decide ahead of time what you want those days to look like.
• Let it be complicated. You can miss them and be angry with them. Both can be true.

If you buried it, it may come back later.

I didn’t find language for either loss until my 30s. If you’re a few years out and it’s coming back now, that makes sense. Here’s why grief can hit years later. And if you lost a parent even younger, as a kid or a teen, read how losing a parent young can show up in adulthood.

If there’s a teen in your family

If there’s a teenage sibling or a child in your family, The Other Side of This was written for grieving teens.

Whether it was last month or years ago, you’re welcome to start with a conversation. Coaching isn’t therapy or crisis care. If a therapist would be a better fit for what you’re going through, I’ll say so and help you find one.