Why does grief hit years later?

Is it normal to feel grief years later?

Yes. Grief doesn’t keep a schedule. It can come back at a wedding, on a birthday, or on an ordinary day for no clear reason. Feeling it now doesn’t mean you did something wrong back then, and nobody is broken for feeling it.

Grief doesn’t keep a schedule.

Why it can come back now.

You didn’t have words for it then.

Grief that had no language at 14 doesn’t disappear. It can wait until you finally have room for it, sometimes years later. That’s what happened with me. I didn’t start putting words to it until my 30s.

If you’re supporting a teen now, The Other Side of This is the book I wish I’d had at 14.

What happened for me

For me, after years of running away from it, it caught up to me. I realized I was burying my feelings and my words, and covering it with sarcasm or jokes.

Milestones ask questions your parent can’t answer.

Weddings, turning 18, graduations, becoming a parent, a new job. Big days can bring up who isn’t there, and the questions you can’t ask them.

For me, it was getting married, having kids, and watching my daughters learn to ride a bike and lose their first teeth. Now it’s more about what my parents won’t get to see in my kids than about me.

Turning the age your parent was.

Getting close to the age your parent was when they died, or passing it, can bring the loss back in a way you didn’t expect.

For me, that’s the age my dad was when he died.

The feelings you buried come up for air.

After my mom died, I buried what I felt. Our relationship was complicated. Feelings you push down don’t always stay there. They can come up later, and that’s especially true when the relationship was complicated.

Feelings you push down don’t always stay there.

Grief ambushes.

A song, a smell, a date. Something small can bring the whole thing back in a second. That’s a grief ambush. In Carried Forward, we make a plan for grief ambushes so they don’t catch you off guard every time.

How early loss shapes the rest of your life

If you want to know how early loss shaped the rest of your life, I wrote about that too: how losing a parent young can show up in adulthood.

What delayed grief is (and isn’t).

“Delayed grief” is a phrase a lot of people use when a loss hits long after it happened. In plain words, it means the feelings came later than you expected. It isn’t a diagnosis, and it doesn’t mean you did grief wrong.

When to talk with a licensed therapist

If it’s affecting your sleep, your work, or your safety, please talk with a licensed therapist, alongside coaching or instead of it.

What can help when it hits.

These aren’t steps. They’re ways of noticing and naming what’s going on.

• Notice what day or season it is. An anniversary, a birthday, or a time of year may be closer than you realized.
• Name what you’re missing. The person, or who they would have been in your life now.
• Tell one person. You don’t have to explain it well. “It’s been hitting me lately” is enough.
• Plan for your next hard date. Decide ahead of time what you want that day to look like, before you’re already in it.